


invisible until you saw me...

by axtual_soulmatxs



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Bakery and Coffee Shop, Coffee, Coffee Shops, Forbidden, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Phil Lester Is Not A YouTuber, Roommates, Strangers to Lovers, Witch Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26748601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axtual_soulmatxs/pseuds/axtual_soulmatxs
Summary: Dan's life was not the best. He has a job he likes, yes. He has a boyfriend, yes. But things are not always as they look like.Phil's life was the best. He had everything he wanted. He had a home, friends, and magic. Because Phil is a witch. But things are not always as they look like.When Dan meets Phil, his life changes a lot. Is it in a good way thought?When Phil meets Dan, his life changes a lot. Is it in a bad way thought?
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Original Male Character(s), Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 1





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy there! sooo i have to say that ive never written a fanfic with actual CHAPTERS OMGG BUT i will try my best, i promise!
> 
> I also have to mention that i don't know how long it will be (not very long don't worry lol) and i don't know how often i will post new chapters (sorry :( ) It's a big step for me so im sorry in advance if anything goes wrong....
> 
> oh and my english is not great, im aware lol. anywaysssss im trying my best as i said

Dan

It's 5 am. Dan is laying awake in his bed. He hasn't slept all night, he kept turning from side to side. He doesn't want to get out of bed either. His thoughts were causing him anxiety all day, the previous day, so he doesn't have the strength to do anything. He is alone, in the darkness of his bedroom, alone under the covers of his bed. Not that he couldn't have company. Kyle didn't come by, because Dan told him not to. He has been calling all day and Dan only answered after hours of nightmares while awake, with a text that said: don't come by today. He chose to be left alone, with his thoughts. He hates letting Kyle deal with his shit. It's HIS shit, his problems, Kyle doesn't deserve to take his mental state on his back. He generally doesn't deserve someone who cannot stand on their own feet, someone who has a mental breakdown every while...He deserves someone who's not... Dan.

Dan doesn't let anyone inside his mind, it's better that way. He doesn't share, out of fear. Fear of himself. Fear of people not understanding. Fear of the pity. He doesn't need the pity. He doesn't need to give away his thoughts, his struggles... he doesn't need to give away single part of himself. Relationships do need barriers. It's better that way. It's better hiding and not showing.

He only talks, really talks, to his therapist. And now that he thinks about it he has to follow her advice and get out of bed. Not allowing himself to ignore his basic needs, is the most basic. So he doesn't. He forces himself out of bed, into the shower. The hot water washes over him, and he wishes it could also wash his thoughts away, clear his head. He takes deep breaths. In and out. He needs to calm himself down, otherwise his thoughts will win and he'll panick once more.

When he eventually gets out of the shower, his head still spinning with thoughts, he motions to the kitchen. Whatever happens inside his head cannot stop him from taking care of himself, he has to stay hydrated, he keeps saying, while trying to convince himself to actually follow the advice. He gulps down a glass of water, still trying to block his thoughts but failing inevidably.

He has to go out, go on a walk, take some fresh air. Even if it's not that fresh in the city... The basics the basics the basics, he repeats, muttering alone. Immediately, he finds himself dressed up, outside his apartment, the thought of straightening his hair hasn't even crossed his head. Why would he care about that right now?

The weather is cloudy, as always this time of the year. It's October, and it rains quite a lot lately, but Dan hasn't thought about the possibility of walking in the rain. He wouldn't even realize it if in fact that happened.

He takes the street in front of his house, unwilling to consider the destination. He tries to focus on simple things he can see, such as people waiting for the bus, businessmen, phone constantly pressed to their ears, rushing to important meetings, the road busy with traffic, the smell of Autumn in the air, the sight of trees with yellow and orange leaves... It's not really working. The only thing he is able to see is a blurry movement. No faces, no colours, no emotions... just a blurry, grey image. He inhales and then exhales, with a lot of effort. He's invisible as always, even if people recognize his face, they don't know him. Nobody knows him. No, he's not alone, he knows that, there are people close to him, people physically closed to him, like the strangers in the street who walk past him, and people closed to him in general, like Kyle, or his mother. But being alone is completely different from being lonely. And Dan is lonely. There's only one word that defines him and that is loneliness. He's not alone, he's lonely and the worst of all is that he, himself, chooses to be.

Deep breaths. In and out. He keeps reminding himself even if he can already feel his hands shake. Suddenly he feels water on the tip of his nose. Yep, it's raining. One perfect addition to this perfect walk, he mutters under his breath and keeps walking. A few raindrops turning into a proper downpour now as he walks and he soon enough realizes he's soalking wet. He'd better go home. Home... It doesn't feel right calling his apartment home. It doesn't feel like home.

That's it! he needs to block his thoughts out of his head, quickly. He won't handle more today. He's had enough. He scans the place around him. The road looks pretty familiar, if he was in a better state he would recognize immediately that Starbucks are a block away from where he has been standing. He continues his pace, trusting his instinct that tells him to go inside and get warm. And he was right, he arrives at Starbucks and as he enters the coffee shop he's greeted with the familiar warmth and the smell of coffee. He looks briefly around and the place is not as packed as he's used to it. Perhaps due to the fact that it's nearly 7 am.

He orders a caramel macchiato (out of habit) and sits down near a window, as far away from the others as he possibly can. He stares out of the glass emotionless, without actually looking at something.

"Tough day?" Someone asks behind him, his voice so bright that seems inappropriate, in Dan's current state. Dan nods in response, not trusting himself to talk today. He keeps staring at nowhere in particular.  
"Well, you should better drink that before it loses its heat. It would be a shame!" The voice says, Dan turns to look at the man but he has already disappeared into the staff room. The only thing that caches his eye is a pair of unmatched socks, one blue and one orange, barely visible between the ending of the jeans and the line of the man's vans. Dan takes hold of his cup, he is sure it's already cold, he hasn't touched it for an hour or so... but... but... that's impossible. The cup is still warm. He takes a sip of his drink and... he really doesn't believe that. It is exactly as he likes it! Warm, not too warm though. How the fuck?

***>><<***

Phil

Phil arrives at his flat, exhausted from work. He has a lot in his mind lately... Working at Starbucks is not bad, it's not the best either... He can deal with it though. Paying for a rent would be impossible, with a part time job, and that's why he lives with roommates for now. Even if he hasn't really met his roommates, he thinks they seem nice. That's Phil anyway, hopeful! Tyler is a nice guy, as far as he knows.

Right now, Tyler is laying on the couch, in a quite uncomfortable position, but his face looks so calm and his eyes are shut, that he might as well be asleep.  
"Oh Phil! You came back. How was your day?" He suddenly props himself up, and Phil spits out an "OH MY GOD" because of the jumpscare. Tyler has a huge grin on his face, as always, a routine that makes Phil wander if this guy ever feels sad.

"It was fine I guess... You know job and stuff." He answers and motions to the kitchen, Tyler following him.

"The usual stuff or anything more interesting?"he winks.

"Just the usual stuff." He lies. This time, the usual stuff included Phil staring at a cute guy, during his whole shift, being left a bit disappointed when he disappeared after several hours.

Dan was his name. He said Daniel while ordering his caramel macchiato but he'd like to think about him as Dan. Dan was pretty. He hasn't seen such an attractive man, in a long time. Dan has dark brown messy hair, wet curls because of the rain, and chocolate brown eyes, that unfortunately didn't look up that often, kept staring at the ground or outside the window. He also took notice of Dan's puffy lips, with their distinctive pink shade. He doesn't really know why he kept looking at Dan's lips... The most distinctive characteristic of Dan though was his hands. He had big palms, and long fingers as well, hands that suited with his height. Phil thinks Dan might be a bit taller than him... and that's unusual.

In Phil's mind, Dan was the best thing that happened to him, Dan on the other side looked... he couldn't read his expression... So he did the only thing he surely shouldn't do. He used his powers to search for Dan's feeling. He didn't detect a lot though. Dan didn't feel sad, or disappointed... Phil tried so hard, he actually had a headache afterwards. He couldn't say why he needed desperately to understand the other person's feelings. He just... did. On the second go he detected something, he had to focus exceptionally in this task to find out that Dan felt lonely. That's all he found out about Dan, that he was lonely. He didn't feel like he wasted his time, digging into Dan's emotional area, the exact opposite, he felt right to do that. He needed to get to know this person, he needed to... but why? Why did he have such a desire to learn more and why did he want to see Dan smiling. He is a nice person, he doesn't doubt that, but it was more than his usual kindness. He NEEDED to make that guy, that stranger, feel good.

That was weird, really weird. He still tries to understand why he wanted to feel what Dan was feeling. He felt the urge to go talk to him and so he did, kind of talked to him. And he did the second mistake for this day. He used magic, to bring Dan's coffee back to the perfect temperature. He used magic not once, but twice, both times for Dan. He knew that was a great mistake, why would he do that? The regrets come afterwards, but he didn't have many. His small gesture might never be understood by the other person, he might have been "invisible" to Dan but... it felt right. He felt better, even if he was aware of the possible consequences of his action. Being a witch is great! Being a witch in exile is the worst! That was his position, a witch in exale, forced to live among humans and stay away from the magical world, his home, familly and friends. He was also not allowed to use magic. For the rest of his life. And why all this torture? Because he was in favour of sharing magic with normal people. He supported other great witches who believed that magic should not be kept secret. He wanted to show people magic existed and not hide it away, he wanted to live among normal people in peace. That dream came true, but at what cost...

How can a witch not use magic? It was literally impossible! Phil has done it so far, he hoped he could have a "non-magical" life until his mind pushed him into helping that stranger. It wasn't even help, it was just... understanding someone's feelings. Actually it wasn't even that! It was more like, okay you're lonely, I literally digged into your mind, that's how I know that, now take a hot drink I just magically reheated, with magic I'M NOT ALLOWED TO USE. Phil's thoughts start bombing his head, loudly and angrily. If the ministry finds out he has used magic he's doomed. There's no coming back, he will lose his freedom, becoming a slave of magical creatures forever. He just wishes the simple spells cannot be tracked and that the records are not very detailed... otherwise... otherwise he has already lost this game. Has he though?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter two! didn't take long bc i had already written it down.  
> Hope you'll like it!!!

Dan

Dan is laying awake, listening to the ticking noise of the raindrops against the window glass, while his boyfriend is peacefully sleeping on the other side of the bed. It is never going to stop raining, is it? Well, he doesn't have to worry about the weather right now. Kyle's flat is far away from his, so he takes the tube home, and doesn't have to walk much.

He doesn't want to admit it, but he has to get up. Even in the early hours of the day, he worries about his live stream. He has been taking a break from social media lately, without actually informing his fans about that, and of course they're freaking out... again. So he has promised to upload a video this week and do a live show. He tried to make a programme...it didn't work out. He's going with the flow now and he has to be productive. Otherwise, he's disappointing the fandom. That's not a big deal though, besides, for his own good, his fandom is supportive, even when they constantly complain on Twitter. He's lucky about that!

He gets out of bed as silently as possible. He doesn't want to wake Kyle up and absolutely doesn't want to talk to him. After taking a brief shower and his meds, he searches for something sweet to eat. His appetite focusses on the sweetest things, weirdly, he doesn't usually care that much about breakfast but now he would appreciate some cereal. He opens and closes every single cupboard, not finding what he desires, so he leaves the room, whining. "Why does he only eat healthy stuff?". He finds his clothes, laying on different pieces of furniture in Kyle's bedroom, dresses up, takes his backpack and makes to go without even saying goodbye. There's no need. Kyle and him don't communicate easily with words... He might think their relationship is based on... let's face it, his relationship is currently limited to having sex. And that's it. They spend their nights together and then they disappear. Especially Dan. Dan always disappears before Kyle wakes up. Kyle likes spending a little more time with Dan, so when he wakes up first he makes them breakfast, and when they are at Dan's, he spends the whole day there. Dan always disappears. A part of him tells him he's a bad boyfriend and he should try to spend quality time with the other. He shuts that part of his thoughts down most of the times. He may detaches but he has a relationship. And he knows he's no good for Kyle and he's shellfish for using what they have as a distraction. He doesn't have a choice though. If he loses this, he will be alone. He will be lonely AND alone. That would be a strong enough combination to bring him down. So he keeps what he has, as long as Kyle wants him, he stays with him. Partly. Partly because Kyle only knows some parts of Dan, not all of them.

"Dan?" Kyle's sleepy voice interrupts Dan's thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"You leaving?"

Dan sighs light enough so that Kyle doesn't hear and answers "Yep."

"Alright babe. Bye!" he says with a wide smile, not having opened his eyes yet.

"Call me!"

Dan hears his distant voice as he closes the door behind him.

He goes back home. Stares at the screen of his laptop. Blank page, no ideas, nothing... nothing... He tries so hard to write a script. He has to upload a video this week, he HAS to. And right at the time he's ready to give up, his phone buzzes. He looks at the screen and his whole face brights up when he sees the ID of the caller.

Louise. Louise is godsend! She proposed a colab that was everything he needed at the time he mostly needed it. A challenge, a make-up challenge. That must be easy. Alright it's not easy for Dan to do make up but it's going to be a colab and with Louise of all people for God's sake he doesn't need to fear! He also came up with a brilliant idea, a spooky game with Louise. Like that, he would also upload for spooky week at his gaming channel, something he had totally forgot to do. It would be really fun, him trying to do her make up, her trying to control a game. Yeah, surely that's not going to end well but everything for the entertainment of his subscribers! Yay

Relieved, he desides to go for a walk. And he knew the best place to go now. Starbucks. Of course he'll go to Starbucks. He hasn't drunk coffee and as he needs something sweet, so Starbucks it is.

He arrives after a while, at the coffee shop, having looked around for images he lost the last time he wandered these streets. A freezing wind, messed up his fringe. He hasn't straightened his hair, it might be his branding, but his branding can change. It's not that he particularly likes his curly hair, just that he's bored of this repetitive task. Also, his natural hair don't look that bad! He enters the shop, waits in the not too long queue, meets two fans who ask for a picture, and finally orders his caramel macchiato.

"You look pretty good today." The barista says then, unexpectedly. Dan hadn't even noticed that guy before but the voice...

"Excuse me?" Dan looks at the man confused.

"I'm just saying, last time you were here you looked quite... I don't know... lonely." He says and Dan now looks at him, really looks at him. Blue (or green?) piercing eyes, black hair in a quiff, pale (really pale) skin, sweet smile. That's what he keeps from the man's characteristics anyway. He doesn't have enough time to focus on his face when he has heard... lonely. This guy just said that he looked lonely. Not sad, not... anything else that he could be just... lonely.

"So now you look better! And it's not like I was really paying attention, but mate, you were here for four hours how could I not get something's wrong?" The person, Dan looks at the label with the barista's name - Phil - continues with a grin. Dan is at a loss for words not only because Phil actually "sensed" something was wrong with him that day, but also because, he is so fucking attractive. These blue eyes, this smile, this FACE. Oh god. That guy is really attractive. Dan just smiles back and feels more than he should as their fingers bruise while Phil is passing him his coffee.

***>><<***

Phil

Phil finally saw Dan smiling. A cute little smile that shows off his dimples. Dan had dimples. And his, already beautiful, face looked way prettier when he smiled. Phil couldn't take his eyes of him. He could feel his cheeks turning slightly pink. He hadn't thought about what he was telling Dan. He told him he looked lonely the last time he saw him. He basically told him he digged in his feeling's zone but of course the other person wouldn't understand that. Dan looked surprised, quite panicked really, when he heard that and his whole face flushed red, Phil couldn't help but notice. He looked SO cute... Alright he probably has to admit to himself he is attracted to this person. But. Dan was just a stranger, who happened to be stuck in Phil's head. Dan was just a stranger, a cute guy, Phil felt the urge to help, understand, comfort...

Ugh... why did he even try to help in the first place? His mind always makes things weird!

Dan took the drink Phil handed him, their fingers lightly bruising, Phil feeling his face burning. Now Phil is watching Dan sipping his caramel macchiato, scrolling on his phone. He's watching him so that he can keep in his memory every single 'Dan' expression. He saw him taking a shelfie with two excited and giggly girls, so he can guess that Dan's probably famous. At his break, he pulls his phone out of his jeans pocket and googles Daniel.... Daniel what? He doesn't know his surname or what kind of job he could do... Then, he has an idea! A wrong idea that would lead him into trouble...possibly. He doesn't think about the risk he's taking though. He focuses his thoughts on Dan's face, who sits down at the same table as the previous time, staring out of the window, captures this image and passes the thought to his phone, which brings the results of his weird type of research. Daniel Howell, also known as danisnotonfire on YouTube. Phil couldn't be happier for something he "googled" (using a bit of magic.) He taps danisnotonfire, with trembling firgers, on YouTube and there he is. Dan, the cute guy Phil is a bit attracted to, even if he has literally seen him a couple of times, is a youtuber. And to be honest he had an awful lot of subscribers at his channels. Alright, Phil is now on an important mission: binge-watching. He has to watch everything Dan has ever uploaded.

He still doesn't understand why he's so attached to that person who's a stranger to him, but he knows he wants to find out more about him. And that will do. It's enough for now. He has the best way to get to know Dan, without using magic. He simply chooses to ignore the fact that he has already used magic THREE TIMES til now.

As soon as he arrives at his shared apartment, he locks himself in his room and pushes the 'play' button at the latest video in Dan's channel. He watches Dan talking vividly about something, he has already lost the topic of the video, concentrating more on Dan's expressions and movements. When that video finishes, he watches another one, something called the internet support group, and then the whole series. He desides to watch his videos from the first one to the last one. He goes back to 2009, Dan's first video and laughs heartily with his younger self. He had a longer fringe, which was straightened, a lot different than his current haircut. (Oh god Dan was so emo!) He looked a lot different, like he wasn't the same person.

After a while of watching Dan's old videos (as entairtaining that was) his eyelids feel heavier and soon enough he's asleep.

He wakes up, late for work, phone still in hand, out of battery. He rushes to dress up, get in the tube and arrive after a lot of sprinting to Starbucks. Out of breath, he enters the shop and he is greeted with the face he has been watching all day yesterday on his phone, Dan's face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH FOR READING! As it is my first proper fic, im very excited and nervous... so thank you all! love y'all!
> 
> Huge thanks to me bffs who always support me and read my work. Ty sm
> 
> I hope next chapter will be uploaded sooooooooon!
> 
> i don't know yet


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know... i'm writing a lot lately! (that's not going to last lol)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the third chapter! it was going to be huge so i split it in half.
> 
> And again im sorry if u find any mistakes, my english is not great... ik

Dan

Dan is meeting Louise today and he is excited. He is glad Louise exists. He could literally drop to his knees and kiss her toes, that glad! Understandable, she is his savior.

They’re meeting at Starbucks (obviously), so Dan finds himself waiting in a queue to order the usual… boring. It was boring until a rushing Phil bumps into him, muttering his apologies.

“Terribly sorry! Oh hi Dan! Oh my God, I’m late! Sorry, sorry again.”

“It’s okay! Don’t worry.” He assures the red-face Phil with a genuine smile. He smiles back.

“It is not thought. I owe you… a coffee? Perhaps?. OH OH GOD SORRY I’M SO LATE!!! I’m not forgetting it, I’ll buy you that coffee! Bye.” Phil rumbles as he faints away and Dan says “Bye” mostly to himself because Phil is nowhere to be seen.

And two things keep repeating themselves inside his mind:

Phil knows his name.

Phil “owes” him coffee.

What a strange way to start your day…

“The usual, right?” when it’s his turn to order (yes the usual!), the barista –Phil- offers his wide smile (He’s just being polite with costumers, that’s his smile, it’s not like… reserved for Dan.)

“Yes, the usual.”

When did it even become “usual”? He doesn’t know this person for a long time!

“Here’s a caramel macchiato for Dan.” Another barista says when his coffee is ready.

“Thank you very much.” He says as he makes a move to pay-

“No, you don’t have to pay!”

“Why?”

“It’s a treat!” the barista winks, gesturing towards Phil.

“oh.” Dan really doesn’t know why he feels that fluttered. “Err… Thanks, I guess…”

Slightly confused but in a very good mood, he motions to his usual seat near the window, with his caramel macchiato on one hand and his phone on the other and waits for Louise to come.

After a while of staring at his mobile’s screen not having anything else to distract himself (except from the handsome barista named Phil who had apologized for bumping into him by paying for his coffee –is this person even real?- and who is currently glancing over at him every spare moment), Louise enters the shop beaming uncontrollably and she practically yells “Danieeeeeeeeeel” across the room, making several pairs of eyes focus on her. She demands attention, doesn’t she?

“Why do you have to scream?” Dan says with fake irritation but he can’t prevent the grin that appears at his face.

“Because I’m excited!” she laughs. “And I’m so happy to see you again, bear!”

She hugs him so tightly, he can’t even breath. “I’m glad you came.” He says when she finally (FINALLY) freed him from her embrace and he was able to take some air.

“Are you kidding me? Wouldn’t miss it! Now, tell me everything, update me for every single thing! How have you been?”

“I-“

“I heard you were taking a break or something. Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Yeah, I was, you know, taking some time away from everything, had to think about my life…”

“Oh… Did that work?”

“Honestly… No. Not really.”

“Oh bear… What can I say. Glad to have you back!”

“Glad to be back!”

“And how’s Kyle?”

Dan’s eyes slide from Louise and lay on Phil who is staring back at him and now… smiles. That smile is definitely not just his polite smile.

“Dan?” Louise turns to look at the direction where Dan was staring but quickly returns to the discussion.

“Hmm?”

“How’s Kyle doing?”

Oh yes. Couldn’t avoid that question.

“Emm good. He’s doing just fine.” He shifts in place uncomfortably.

“Nice! Anyways… So you liked my idea?”

Dan is not even looking at Louise anymore. Instead he is too occupied keeping eye contact with Phil, which is weird, but he is not able to take his eyes from him.

“About the makeup challenge?”she nods “Loved it!”

“Great! And you know we can make it even more accurate: creepy makeup! You can draw a pumpkin on my face!” she giggles.

“It’s going to be creepy either way! Actually no, it’s going to be a total DISASTER. I hope you’re ready!” he jokes taking a sip of his coffee.

“I am. Don’t worry bear!”

“And stop calling me that!”

“I can't, BEAR!”

“Ugh… you’re so annoying!” he says while grabbing her cup.

“Hey! I don’t remember giving you permission!” she giggles as Dan takes a sip of the (ridiculously) sweet drink.

“For what? Calling you annoying or stealing your-the fuck is this- drink?”

“For both! And I don’t really remember…”

Dan quirks a brow. “You don’t remember what you ordered? And when did you even buy this?”

“When you were busy looking at your phone!” he huffs a laugh, “And I don’t remember which drink I took because I told the barista to give me something sweet as he is THE SWEETEST THING, isn’t he?”

Dan nearly chokes, “Did you actually flirt with him?”

“Look who’s talking! Dan, darling, I think your eyes have gone on fire since you started staring at him.” She points out, raising her eyebrows.

“What the fuck? No! Louise!”

“Come on Dan! I am capable of detecting the flirting from miles away.”

“Phil is not flirting with me!”

Oh no.

Oh shit.

Oh fuck.

Louise’s eyes go wider than Dan knew was possible and her jaw drops.

“You know his name?” she smirks “uh um”

“What does that suppose to mean? Yes I might have noticed that his name is written on a fucking label that he is wearing!”

“Dear lord! You won’t fool me, Daniel Howell. Who notices the baristas’ names? Surely not you!”

“Oh shut up! And you should stop flirting you know, you are married.”

“Are you criticizing me, Dan? You,o- loyal boyfriend? If stop staring at this Phil, then I’ll stop flirting.”

“Okay that’s it. I had enough of your madness! I’m leaving!” he says jokingly.

***>><<***

Phil

Phil couldn’t believe in his own eyes. (He did though, otherwise how would he appreciate the fact that he was staring at Dan and he was staring back). Dan, staring at him and BLUSHING at some point? BLUSHING? He didn’t flush red because Phil was looking at him, right? There’s no way…

When Dan looked away, Phil wanted him to look back, he wanted to hold his gaze which made his heartbeats run a little faster (which… what? WHAT?) and stare, stare at those beautiful eyes that remained beautiful from far away. Dark brown eyes. Phil may or may not be obsessed with this man.

He definitely was NOT distracted from his work, he did NOT have to remake two coffees because he messed up with the different names and he certainly did NOT spill half someone’s latte on his lap.

Conclusion: Dan is destroying Phil’s life. And he doesn’t even know him! But, no, it has to be his fault if Phil loses his only job. Well done pretty eyes!

After an hour or two, Phil has been left a little (who is he even kidding, a lot) disappointed, as the curly head disappeared in a sea of heads outside.

***

He was greeted with a shouting Tyler when he opened the door. And his jaw dropped because Tyler? Shouting? Angrily?

He was fighting with somebody on the phone, probably Tom… Phil knows they don’t get on well lately. But he hasn’t witnessed a ‘fight scene’ before. He doesn’t even have enough time to process what is happening as Tyler ends the call and fakes a grin immediately when he sees him. Why does Tyler do that? Why is he pretending to be okay all the time...

Phil’s powers push him into searching his feelings, understand and comfort… He wishes he could use them… He really does because Tyler’s soul is screaming ‘help’ from far away that you can’t just ignore it.

“Hey mate! How long have you been standing there?”

Tyler has a plastered grin on his face that is so painful to watch.

“Just a bit…”

Pause. What can he do? He can’t use magic (NOT FOR THE FOURTH TIME, FOR GOD’S SAKE) but he has to be there for Tyler. He is his only friend in this part of the world and he is important to Phil. He has to help.

No magic. No magic. His mind keeps reminding him.

“Was that Tom?” he asks after an awkward silence.

“Yep. How are you? How was job today?”

Yes, he avoids the conversation. Not a good sign.

“Just the usual…”

“Anything UN-usual?” he asks as he always does.

“Tyler will you please stop changing the subject? What happened with Tom? Why were you fighting?”

Tyler’s face falls.

“It’s none of your business.” He mutters angrily.  
Here we go! Something is off. Something has gone wrong.

“I’m going out for a walk.” He announces as he wears his shoes and motions to the door.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Phil is absolutely terrified because Tyler is mad with him. He’s mad with everything right now but with Phil?

“No, Phil. I want some time. Alone.” He says coldly (TYLER? COLDLY? Something is really off.) and leaves a shocked Phil behind him.

Phil doesn’t know how on earth he will not use his powers but he has to put that aside for now. Instead, focus on how he will make Tyler express his feelings. He certainly has an awful lot of them behind the fake smile.

Right now though, he doesn’t have a Tyler to comfort or anything else to do. He could try to meet his other flatmates (if they even were in the apartment) or play Mario Cart… The thing is, he has a mission to finish. And that is, watching Dan’s videos. And so he does.

When Tyler returns, it’s afternoon.

“Sorry.” Is the first thing he tells Phil.

“Aw come here” they hug and a sob might have escaped Tyler’s mouth.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asks him, genuinely concerned.

“No, not really. At least not now. I will tell you, but please just… just forget it for now.”

“Alright, alright. Whenever you want.” Phil smiles.

“Thank you, love!” he grins and kisses Phil on the cheek.

And after that he’s just fine! The old usual Tyler. He even insist on going out!

(“Let’s go out tonight!”

“Are you kidding me?”

“C’mon Phil! We haven’t gone out for such a long time!”

“When you say go out?”

“Clubbing”

“No way.”

“Why not?”

“No way! I’m not going to a club!”

“All right. Then I’m going by myself.”

“You can’t go- You can’t- TY!!!!”)

But he did. And so did Phil. And that was a mistake.

Tyler got impossibly drunk in an impossibly little time and Phil had to follow him around (otherwise he looked like a lost puppy), even at the dance floor.

And yes he was pretty drunk too. Drunk enough to think about Dan. Drunk enough to wonder how is Dan, where is Dan, is he happy, is he feeling lonely again... Drunk enough to wonder out loud “Why am I so obsessed with Dan?”

“WHAAA-“ Ooops. He didn't know his voice was that loud!

“NOTHING”

“WHO’S DAN?”

“WHO’S DAN?”

“YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT SOMEONE NAMED DAN!”

At least, he hasn't heard the whole thing.

“NO I DON’T THINK SO”

“WHO IS DAN, PHILIP?”

“JUST A GUY”

And that with that being said, Tyler drags Phil outside to question him.

“Is Dan the not-unusual thing happening at your job?”

“Tyler you’re drunk.”

“So are you. Answer my question.”

And yes he is drunk enough to say “Maybe yes, maybe not.”

“I fucking knew something was going on lately, I could see it on your face!” Tyler says with a wink.

“Alright, can we go now?”

“No! It’s not even 2 a.m.”

“That’s the point!”

And they left… after two hours. He could literally murder Tyler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE U ALL!
> 
> SHOUT OUT TO MY BETA AND MY OTHER BETA WHO ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR ME! thanks, i love u sm.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, closets are portals. Just for you to know.

He wakes up, to the feeling of something soft pressing to his chin, then his cheekbone and his forehead afterwards. When he manages to open his eyes, he is faced with a paw, a cat paw.

“What the- OH. MY. GOD.” His face lights up as soon as he realizes what he is looking at.

“STARLIGHT? STARLIGHT OH GOODNESS I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!”

His cat, with her green eyes and her soft black fur, is right in front of him (on top of him actually) waking him up as she did all those years…

“Well, well, well. Sleeping beauty came back to life! Starlight, did you kiss her?”

PJ.

PJ is here.

PJ is HERE!

“Peej?” Phil gets out of bed immediately to physically attack PJ with his embrace.

“It’s been so long.” He can feel his eyes blinking back tears. PJ, his best friend, who he thought he would never see again in his life, is here, hugging him tightly (and important note: He even brought his cat!)

“I know, I know… We missed you Phil. Oh, Phil, we all missed you so much! And we miss you every day since… since you know…”

“It’s been a year and a half.”

“A year and a half… it feels like a century.” PJ’s calming voice was not that calming anymore, he was also getting emotional.

“Aw Peej.”

He feels his cheeks wet and sweeps his tears before releasing him from his grip.

“How are you? How’s Sophie? How’s… how’s my mum?” his voice softens as he says that.

His mother… His mother who taught him everything about Natums (people who are: Not-able-to-use-magic) and who supported him till the end. His mother, who would have been in exile too, given that she had the same ‘wrong’ ideas as he did. But she got lucky… His father helped her not to get caught. He couldn’t do the same with him…

“We are all doing just fine! Sophie and I moved in a lovely house near the river! It’s beautiful! And your mother… well. She’s better… but still not great. It’s not easy to forget about her own son, is it?”

Deep down, Phil wished it was. He wished his mother wasn’t thinking about him, he wished she didn’t care. He kind of wished she was like his father, who just said that he is paying for what he did (like it was a crime), but he also knew that wasn’t possible. And he can’t bear thinking about his mother, weeping over him… She was strong, but losing her son is the worst punishment. Maybe that’s why father didn’t send her in exile too. He might knew that her pain would be unbearable, that there was no need to send her away.

“Still mad with your father. She hasn’t forgiven him yet.”

That made sense.

“ But she is fine really. I know Kath, she’s a strong woman. Don’t worry about her. She sends her love, by the way. And a bunch of letters, they are all in here” he continues, gesturing to a suitcase on the floor.

“Is this what I think it is?” he kneels down to open the suitcase and yes. Yes, it is.

“Oh, yeah! I brought you this! And Starlight, of course. She missed you!” PJ says with a wide smile “We all missed you.” He adds. “The whole town! They want the guy with the plants back!”

Phil huffs a laugh but it’s more like a sob.

“I missed you too. Every single one of you there. I missed everything and everyone! This part of the world is okay, but they are not like us…”

PJ nods and then he motions to the suitcase as well.

“It is what you think it is. Unlimited space. Never filling with your mum’s unlimited letters!” He laughs. “Oh and... I have some news… emmm… you’re not going to like them… that’s why I came here… and I absolutely hate being the bearer of bad news goddamn it!”

Phil can feel his heart beating faster as PJ pulls out of the bag a pile of paper sheets.

“There’s something you have to hide.” He passes him the papers.

Phil looks at them and his breath catches.

Records.

Ministry’s records.

About Phil.

First one says: use of magical powers (specialized in detecting feelings)

Second one: use of spell (it is not clear which spell was used)

Third one: use of spell (searching spell)

“Oh no. Oh no no no no no! NO! How did they- I thought- That’s impossible! I didn’t know they could- How did they find out about these!”

He sits on the edge of his bed, feeling dizzy, confused, but mostly terrified.

“Calm down Phil! Please. Please breath!”

Phil takes a deep breath and looks PJ in the eyes.

“I know you didn’t think they could detect those spells because they really are unimportant. But. But they can. They know about everything concerning magic Phil, EVERYTHING! The records are RECORDS. They don’t choose to ignore some spells, they are detailed. You’re lucky I work in that department Phil, very lucky. What you absolutely NEED to do is to NOT USE MORE MAGIC! I can’t cover you anymore…They’ll find out I helped you and then… You know.”

Phil is panicking now and PJ sighs heavily.

“I’m sorry Phil. I’m sorry for everything . I’m sorry I haven’t found you till this day but you see… there’s… um. A little, or rather big, problem.” PJ sighs again. Not a good sign, not a good sign, Phil’s mind is screaming.

“You have to move out.”

“WHAT?”

Too much information in too little time. His eyes go wide and he feels like he’s drowning. Like his head is under water and he can’t breath… What just happened?

“They are in control of the portals Phil. It’s illegal to use them without permission! They will soon enough find out I visited you –you, who is in exile- and gave you the records and then… then I’ll lose everything. I can’t risk it Phil. You have to move out. By the end of next week. They know I used the closet but it’s not a big deal. They will probably give me a fine or whatever. But if they ever find out I helped you… I can’t help anymore. I just can’t.”

Pressure. Oh, so much pressure. Too much pressure. By the end of next week he has to be out of here. Otherwise… PJ is going to lose his job, Sophie, the right to use magic, his whole life. He’s going to be in exile just like him, just because of him. No, no, no, he’s not going to let that happen.

“Phil, are you okay?” PJ asks him, genuinely concerned because he looks paler than usual.

“No. No I’m not. But I will be fine. You’ve done enough PJ. I’m glad you’re my friend. I really am. And I will. Move out it is. I will do it, I promise, I’m not getting you involved again.”

PJ nods and hugs Phil again.

“Good. I have to go now. Can’t stay for longer, it’s risky. But I really am sorry Phil. Goodbye.”

He smiles at him and Phil returns the smile.

“Goodbye Peej. Tell mum I love her.”

PJ waves goodbye and then disappears in the blue light coming from the open closet. He may never see him again, in his entire life.

***

Phil leaves his room, still in a shock, wishing Tyler hasn’t heard anything of the occurrence. Luckily, he found him snoring loudly. Not wanting to disturb his deeply asleep friend, (who was so drunk, he literally fell asleep on the couch. Again.), he leaves him alone. After a minute or so, Tyler walks past Phil in the kitchen, makes himself a cup of coffee (because, hangover duh) and doesn’t even say ‘morning’. He’s hangover as fuck.

“Is it a bad moment to-“

“Definitely a bad moment. Terrible headache.” He interrupts, his voice a low rumble.

“To tell you I’ll probably move out?”

Tyler nearly chokes in his coffee.

“Terrible moment, terrible headache, terrible news, terrible timing Phil.”

Phil just says “sorry…” in a whisper.

“YOU’RE MOVING OUT? BUT WHY? UGH FUCKING HEADACHE! WHEN? BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHY?” He snaps out.

“It’s just… It’s complicated…” He doesn’t trust himself to lie right now. That’s not going to end well.

“It’s-“ He sneezes. “complicated? That’s all-“ He sneezes again. “you have to say?”

“Have you got a cat in there?” He asks after a pause.

“Um. No. Why?” He shifts uncomfortably at his seat.

“I’m allergic to cats. And sneezing is not the best when you have a headache.”

“Oh emmm… Yeah, that’s the complicated part. I have… I have brought a cat.”

“Why?”

“My- My mother gave it to me…”

“Your mother? Bought you a cat?”

“Yes.” He knows how unbelievable this situation seems but… he has to try and convince Tyler he has to leave (and not give away the secrets of his world, that would be a disaster).

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware you are allergic… And I really want to keep her you know?”

“And you want to keep the cat and leave me?” Tyler says and if you put it like that... it doesn’t sound good.

“No! I don’t want to leave you Ty! I just have to live somewhere else. And the cat is not the only reason! You see… I want to be closer to my workplace and perhaps- perhaps somewhere where there aren’t that many unknown guys I never get to meet. It’s creepy…”

Lies. Lies, lies, lies… It’s not that it wouldn’t be helpful to live near Starbucks and it’s not that he wouldn’t appreciate living with people he can get to know, but that’s not the real reason. Not even close to the real reason.

“And you think you’ll find better roommates than you already have? They are roommates, Phil, what do you expect? Besides, I’m here, aren’t I? And I’m a respectable roommate. I don’t even complain about your dead houseplants!”

Alright, that’s true. But the thing is, it’s an urgent matter. He doesn’t have a choice. He has to move out as soon as possible (probably even sooner).

“I know… I’m sorry.”

Tyler puts on an exaggerated pout.

“Hey, stop filling me with regrets! I just… Sorry… I can’t really explain it, but it’s important that I move out.”

“But-“

“I know. Okay? But it’s not that big deal! We will still see each other, right?”

“Yeah.” He admits with a roll of his eyes.

“So. Are we okay now?”

“No.” his childish insistence is unbearable really.

“Come. On. I will even come at your parties, I promise.”

“You promise?” his whole face brights up and the place of the pout has taken a grin.

“Yes. I promise! Look what you did to me! You made me promise I’ll go to parties for god’s sake!”

Tyler giggles and then asks, “Even at the Halloween one?”

“I dunno… Maybe.”

“Oh please!” he begs.

“I meant the parties you’ll host after I move out.”

“That makes no sense! You’re going to avoid a party that is hosted by your current roommate at the place where you currently live?”

“Yup.” Phil answers simply.

“Nevermind. At least you’ll come to the New Year’s one!”

“You’re planning a New Year’s party from now?”

“No, but facts are facts. There’s no way I won’t host a New Year’s party!”

“All right. Whatever… Are we okay now?”

Tyler grins. “Totally.”

“So now you’re okay with me, moving out? I had to promise to come at your bloody parties?”

They both giggle as Tyler nods.

“You’re unbelievable!” Phil rolls his eyes but his lips quirk upwards.

***>><<***

Dan

Dan’s life goes on, as usual. He’s doing well, surprisingly. The makeup challenge thrived! Perhaps due to the fact that it was catastrophic. To make it even more challenging, Dan was blindfolded. Louise’s idea.

(“Are you out of your mind? I may take your eye off!”

“C’mon! It’s going to be fun!”

“Fun? Fun? Are you fucking kidding me? It’s not going to be fun taking your eye off!”)

At least, (fortunately) nobody got injured. But it was a total disaster anyway.

Concerning the gaming video… Let’s say Louise is still alive.

(“Fuck Louise, he’s going to find you! Run! Fuck, fuck, FUCK. RUN! NOW! RUN!”

“I CAN’T! I CAN’T RUN! WHAT’S HAPPENING AAAAH! NO. NO NO NONONONONONO”

Let’s also say that if people thought Dan was too loud and he screamed a lot during his gaming videos (especially on spooky week), they haven’t seen Louise playing horror games. Which, yes they haven’t. And they would not want to see something like that again. Dan’s scream is nothing comparing to Louise’s.

So, with the videos uploaded and his fans more than satisfied, he also gained satisfaction. He was quite happy really… He was in a good mood to actually text back to his mum (who has asked him how he is), to Louise (who has sent him: “Don’t you ever, ever, ever suggest a gaming video again. People are judging me!”) (and to whom he replied with an emoji which pokes out its tongue and : “welcome to my world! people judge me all the time”) and even to Kyle (who said he watched his videos and loved them) (to whom he sent: “thnx”. Just thanks.)

He would film another video today, he decided. But right now he needs coffee. His brain demands some caffeine to work today, and he’s good enough to not make a coffee himself, instead, he is going to Starbucks. And today, he will try something new. Because he can and he wants to. Just like that.

“Hey Dan! The usual?”

Yep, it’s Phil and he still remembers Dan’s name and his coffee. Not weird. Not weird at all.

“Actually no. I want to go for a change today.”

“Oh! That’s nice! So? What are you taking?”

Does he smile like that at every costumer? Is this person real? Or is it a part of Dan’s imagination?

“I don’t know…”

“How about something festive!”

“You got like, Halloween themed drinks?” Dan huffs a laugh.

“Obviously.” Phil could be described as a ray of sunshine, he’s that bright when he smiles.

Oh no. He did not think that. He did NOT think that a random guy's smile is so bright that it can be compared to a ray of sunshine. No.

“Alright then. You choose.”

“Anything I want?”

“Yep. I’ll trust your taste.”

Oh please shut up! His mind tells him.

Phil grins even more (is that possible?).

“Okay. Prepare yourself for extra sweetness.”

And Phil was right, he should be prepared for extra sweetness. This drink is by far, the sweetest thing he has drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy guysss!!!!! Thnx so much for reading!!!! I appreciate it, really! I love you all!!!
> 
> And i LOVE MY BESTIES WHO LISTEN TO MY WEIRD IDEAS AND READ MY ALL CAPS TEXTS AND THESE CHAPTERS!!! THANK YOUUUU
> 
> so, we're finally moving on with the story and im excited and inspired so YES NEXT CHAPTER IS COMING SOON!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda sad... it's good in the beginning but afterwards... I'm just warning you.

Dan

“So what do you think?” Phil sits down beside Dan, casually, so casually that someone would think they’re friends, and Dan nearly chokes. Because what the actual fuck? Phil came here and sat at the same table as him, to ask him what he thought of the coffee?

“Honestly?” Dan asks, putting down his cup and glancing over Phil, who is looking at him with childish enthusiasm.

“Of course.”

“It’s too eager, too eccentric, too much in general.” He says, looking in the blue/green/yellow eyes. “But I like it. That’s its charm.”

“Wow. I haven’t heard anyone else describe a coffee like that before, but I'll take it as it is.”

Dan laughs and shakes his head “I’m so weird.”

“I like weird.” Phil says with a small smile and… oh my god, has Phil implied that he likes him? What? No… It’s surely not that…

“So… Halloween in two days, excited?”Phil adds in a rush and smiles widely.

“Nah. Not that much. I’m not really in the festive spirit.”

“Oh too bad… But I’m not doing anything either. I’m just going to work. Double shift.”

“Oh no…”Dan says with a pout.

“I wanted to avoid being home, to be honest. My roommates are throwing a party, so I prefer working than hiding in a corner, thank you very much.”

Dan giggles. Phil does the same and Dan might have actually blushed when he noticed Phil’s tongue visible between perfect rows of teeth and thought “That’s so fucking cute”. He doesn’t think Phil is cute, no… Just that, that exact move was cute.

“Honestly, same. Partying is not my thing. And if your roommates are hosting it, oh god, good luck escaping that one!”

“That’s why I’m going to disappear.” He giggles (why does he have to giggle that much, it’s TOO cute). “Not that working is a better thing to do… But I need the money. ‘S not easy to pay for a flat these days.”

“Sure thing. Wait… didn’t you say you live with roommates, just a moment ago?” he asks, slightly confused.

“Yes, I am. For now. I have to move out thought. And you know, finding other roommates? Quite a trouble.”

And Dan might be insane. Scratch that, he is. Totally insane. Because this happens

“Actually. I was recently looking for a roommate and I don’t really trust sites...” Oh shit, what the hell is he talking about? Alright, his former flatmate left two months ago but it wasn’t that urgent to find another one. He could afford the apartment himself. He was even considering moving in another flat. But that… What did he just do? “I guess… if you… like, need to move out… you could… errr…” What is he doing? “Whatever. What am I telling you? I don’t even know your surname, you don’t know me, you probably don’t-“

“Lester.”

“What?”

“Lester. My surname is Lester.”

“Wha-“

“You said you didn’t know my surname, now you do.”

What the actual fuck is happening?

“Do you-“

“I could be a serial killer.” Phil smirks and WHAT?

“Seriously though, thanks for the suggestion Dan! I really, really do appreciate it! I’d love to come see your flat at some point and, who knows, I may become your new flatmate!” Phil looks enthusiastic really.

That… was unexpected. He tells himself as he grins, a full-teeth-smile because, is this too awkward? Is this wrong? WHAT is this? How did their discussion reach there, again?

“Great!” he says with a thumbs up… still confused because WHAT?

Phil rises from his seat.

“I should get back to work now. But I’ll see you, right?”

“Sure.”

He makes a move to leave but then turns around.

“Oh and Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t have your number.”

What?

“Sorry?” he’s a bit lost. Phil… did he ask for his phone number?

Oh… OOOKAY… WHAT?

“I mean, how am I supposed to communicate with you to discuss serious economical stuff and blah-blah-blah for the flat?”

Right. Flatmate stuff…

“Oh. Yeah, sure…” and so he gives him his phone number and waves goodbye, grinning uncontrollably, as Phil walks away.

No way had that happened.

Is he dreaming?

Did Phil agree to discuss about the ‘flatmate’ stuff further?

Did Phil ask for his phone number?

How did they get there, again?

***

“u still dont know if im a serial killer. And now i have ur number”

After literally one minute, his phone vibrates and he gets this message. He looks up, to eye Phil from far away in the coffee shop, who smirks at him.

“I guess we'll find out. but a serial killer wouldnt say that” he replies immediately.

“what if he wanted to confuse his victim???” Dan actually laughs at that.

“maybe the victim trusts more the possibly-serial-killer than internet sites.” He watches as Phil’s head tilts back with laughter and he shoves his phone in his pocket. That guy… he’s something else. And Dan doesn’t know what exactly is happening but, at the moment, he doesn’t really care.

***

Two days pass by quickly and before he realizes it, it’s Halloween. Not that it matters at all… He won’t go to parties or whatever people do on Halloween.

The thing is, he has to go somewhere… and he has completely forgotten it. He finds a bouquet of roses on his doorstep with a card that invites him for dinner at a (surely fancy) restaurant. It’s their anniversary. They’ve been one year together and if that’s supposed to mean something, it definitely doesn’t mean Dan is allowed to forget their first anniversary. Because Dan might not be the best boyfriend, he didn’t think he could be that bad though. And today… is not a good day. The fact that he couldn’t even bear the thought of getting up, not even when it was 5 in the afternoon, or that he hadn’t eaten anything, or that he hadn’t drunk water and his mouth is dry, mixed together make a not preferable mood for a date. Especially, when it’s their anniversary.

It’s their fucking anniversary and Dan just forgot!

He feels so shitty.

In addition to what he’s already feeling, came the realization that he hasn’t bought a present for Kyle.

As a shitty, shitty boyfriend he is, he won’t even try to buy a present now. And he blames himself, so much for not remembering, for being in this mood today, for being too bored (alright it wasn’t that he was bored…) to go outside and find something good enough to buy for the person he has spent a year with.

Shitty.

When it’s time to go to that fancy restaurant, he wants the earth to split in half and swallow him. He wishes he didn’t have to go out tonight, he wishes he could tell Kyle he was feeling sick and avoid everything but… he knows he won’t do it. He’s not that shitty, he has to prove he is a good boyfriend by going on that date. It’s important.

He was right about the restaurant. It’s too fancy for him. Dan is not into fancy (and very expensive really) meals, with waiters constantly over your head, and a lot of weird dishes (pizza is fine, thank you very much) and fizzy drinks with bright colours that look like innocent juices but you can get easily drunk, thinking they don’t even contain alcohol (which they do).

That’s what he’s thinking when he’s holding this pink shaded drink, which might be his third… or fourth… Drinking will not solve his problems and he definitely shouldn’t be drinking right now. Not now that Kyle is moving closer and doesn’t stop talking… what is he talking about? His job, right? Where is Dan’s head, why does he only see Kyle’s movements and nods every time he turns to him, without listening to anything?

He feels so out of space. Not only because everyone is dressed up as you do when you’re going to a fancy (oh god so fancy) restaurant and Dan is certainly not . He’s wearing a black sweatshirt and black skinny jeans as always and he might look paler so someone could assume he was dressed as a vampire, who forgot to wear his cape and who doesn’t have scary teeth. It’s Halloween, he could be dressed as anything… in a fancy restaurant, on a date, on their anniversary. It could be worse though. Right?

He feels out of space because of three words. Three words that shook him back to reality. A reality which should be sweet and romantic but it’s not. A reality which should feel right but feels wrong.

“I love you, Dan.”

Kyle’s voice is suddenly loud, even if the words have been a whisper. It should feel right… it doesn’t.

He smiles, or at least tries to. It’s painful. It can tear him apart. Three words. Three words so powerful that can make people shine with happiness. Or make them break down. The smallest of words can have such a huge effect on people… and in Dan’s case, it’s a negative effect.

He smiles, or at least tries to because feelings are not always good to show. And feelings are not always there. Sometimes feelings hide themselves, sometimes people hide them… Sometimes people wish they had them.

He smiles, or at least tries to because he doesn’t want Kyle to see that his pain is unbearable. He’s selfish enough to not let the pain, caused from these three words, show. The pain that is caused to him by him and not Kyle. Because he’s the one who can’t say it back. He’s the one who is not able to give back. He’s the one who takes and doesn’t give. He feels shitty.

Again.

All the time.

Shitty.

Shitty boyfriend.

He can’t even say ‘I love you too’.

“I love you, Dan” his mind doesn’t let him forget. He wants to delete this sentence. He wants to ban it from existence.

“I love you” why are his thoughts so loud. Why do they hurt? Actually HURT him.

I love you

I love you

I love you

Why does this sentence even exist in his vocabulary when he is not able to feel it or even say it.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m- I’m fine…”

“You look sick, Dan. Are you sure you’re okay?”

He feels so shitty and he can’t meet Kyle’s gaze because he doesn’t want him to see. To see that there’s nothing but pain.

“Actually… I have to go… I’m not feeling great.” He gets up immediately and kind of bumps into a waiter who was standing behind the chair (why do they have to stand there!?).

“I’m sorry Kyle, I loved the dinner… it’s just-“

“Don’t worry about it. You can leave if you have to.” He says, his expression unreadable as he gets up as well and he kisses him lightly, then they break apart, Dan rushing to escape this hell, Kyle rushing to reach Dan.

They wear their coats and exit the building. Kyle just stares at Dan, who now bites his lip, and then reaches out to hold Dan’s hand and squeeze it with his own. Dan can’t look at him. He just can’t.

“Do you want me to give you a ride home?” As a gentleman with a nice car, he would offer to do that, obviously.

“I’ll grab a cub.” He answers more coldly than he intended.

After a moment of awkward silence, Dan feels sick because of the eco of Kyle’s voice inside his head.

“I love you. I love you. I love you…”

Why can’t he just say it back? He knows why… He knows that he might be a shitty boyfriend but he’s not that shitty to lie about something that important.

Should he be? Would that make Kyle happier?

“What did I do wrong?” Kyle snaps out of nowhere. “What? What Dan? Am I doing something wrong? Do you, like, want a fancier meal, do you want more roses, do you want gifts and everything, anything I can afford buying for you? Do you want something I’m not giving you? What do you want to finally be happy Dan?”

That’s what he didn’t want to happen… That’s how things go from bad to worse.

“What else do you want from me? WHAT?”

Dan stares at him and he might or might not be panicking… he should have said ‘I love you’ back. But that would be a lie. He should have canceled the dinner… he should…

“PLEASE TELL ME!” Kyle practically yells and Dan is breaking apart, is breaking apart right now.

“I want nothing” he responds, his voice so low that Kyle couldn’t have heard it. “I want nothing from you, Kyle. And I really am sorry. I am sorry about everything… I can’t- you don’t have to do this… really, I know I’m not the best but I never wanted you to feel like that-” he sounds genuinely apologetic that Kyle’s expression smoothes a tiny bit.

“But you do! And I want- I just want to understand why you are like that, Dan, why? Am I not enough for you?”

“You’re more than enough for me. But please… can we please forget all this ever happened?”

Kyle now looks more concerned than irritated.

“Why? I mean, yes if you want but-“

“Thank you. I’m really not okay though… Just… give me a day and then we can… rewind.” He interrupts him because right now, he wants to do the thing he does better than anything. Hide… run away… stay invisible.

“Rewind?”

“The dinner. I’m sorry Kyle, I really am. Just give me a few days and then we can… go out on a proper date and I won’t be like this, I promise.”

We wishes he could actually forget about this… He wishes he could rewind and never think about that again. The guilt, that Kyle felt like he wasn’t enough for him, because of his behavior, the pain, but most importantly, the fact that all this started because Dan couldn’t say ‘I love you’ back.

“Please don’t you ever think you’re not enough for me, I can’t really explain but… it doesn’t have to do with you.”

“It doesn’t have to do with me?” he huff a sarcastic laugh. “Alright…I really don’t know what to say.”

“Believe me… You’re important to me Kyle, you’re so important… I’m just…”

“Whatever Dan. I think you’ve made your point. I’m going to leave now and when you decide how exactly I am an important part of your life, contact me. I’m waiting.”

That’s all he says and he leaves Dan there, in the cold he has created, to deal with his demons. And someone else would have followed Kyle, like people do in romantic movies and he would tell him he loves him… but Dan’s life is not a movie, and certainly not a romantic one…

And right now, he can’t help the feeling of unease that fills him, and spreads, reaching up to his throat and killing him, slowly and painfully… That’s what it feels like and he’s experiencing twice the pain: once because he can’t say he loves Kyle, and once because he made Kyle feel shitty, when he is the shitty one in this relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SORRY FOR THAT I KNOW IT WAS SAD! You will be fine tho, I promise, good stuff will happen. Anyways... thank you for reading! I love you all!
> 
> Sorry lena for making u cry with this chapter! I love you and I appreciate your help!!!


	6. Chapter 6

Dan

His reality crushes and shatters before him. Everything gets ruined. He doesn’t argue with Kyle. He never argues with Kyle. That might be unhealthy but it’s also why he is in this relationship. To avoid everything. To hide everything. To hide himself.

He needs Kyle in a way he won’t understand. He doesn’t want to lose this –whatever this is- because being left alone could destroy him.

And that’s why he’s selfish. He considers his needs before the others’ needs. Does he care about Kyle? Does he love Kyle?

Kyle said he loves him. He said these three words that were a stab in his heart. How can he love him? He’s an awful person. A person who takes, uses, and doesn’t give back. A person who gets hurt by hurting others but doesn’t do anything to fix what he’s done.

How does Kyle love him? He doesn’t even know him. He knows parts of him so he loves parts of him. He doesn’t love Dan. He can’t.

He thinks he knows him though, as he thinks he loves him. And Dan hates this. Dan hates that Kyle thinks he deserves attention, affection… love. He doesn’t deserve love. But he gets it. And it’s unfair.

‘I love you, Dan’ the words eco in his mind and it feels wrong. It feels so wrong.

In pain as he is, he doesn’t realize what he’s doing. He’s walking down London streets he may or may not have walked before, thinking about three words, three words that have that impact on him. Three words that make his thoughts loud and painful. Words that make him feel shitty.

It’s raining and Dan may or may not have realized it. He may or may not start shaking from the cold and he may or may not feel his clothes dripping water.

He may or may not feel his breath catching and his heart beating faster when he enters Starbucks and eyes Phil.

“We’re closed. Sorry.” Phil was mopping the floor, not looking at Dan. When he turns to him, realizing he stands silently at the same spot, not making a move to go... “Are you okay?”

Dan doesn’t answer at first, he just stares. Phil puts a hand on Dan’s shoulder and asks him again: “Dan, are you okay?”

He wants to cry because suddenly he feels so warm and Phil looks at him, really looks at him and it feels like he can see through him… That’s weird to say for someone you know for less than a month.

“No. Not really.” And when that comes out from his mouth, he doesn’t believe it did. That’s not him! Dan would say he’s fine, would turn on his heel and leave before anyone could ask more questions. Dan would run and hide and… he would stay invisible.

“Sit down, I’ll fetch you some water.” Phil says and looks genuinely concerned. How could he not be, when someone comes in soaking wet, with red eyes and panicked expression? It certainly doesn’t matter who this person is…

Phil passes him a glass of water and sits closely beside him. He remains silent. He looks like he wants to know everything, without even asking. Is that possible?

“You’re literally dripping water, how long have you been outside with this weather?”

Dan doesn’t answer. He turns to look at reassuring blue/green eyes and he just wants to do that right now. Stare at Phil’s eyes until he remembers every detail of them.

“Long enough…” his voice sounds nothing like usual. Phil might have realized that too.

“Are you okay? What happened? I mean… Yeah, sorry, you definitely don’t have to tell a stranger-”

“I’m a shitty person.” Dan cuts him off.

Phil’s lips go to a fine line and after a beat he says “I doubt that.”

“You don’t even know me.” He huffs a laugh but it’s more like a sigh.

“I’m aware. I’m also aware that a shitty person wouldn’t admit they’re shitty.”

Dan wants to laugh at that as if it was a joke but he can’t. It’s ridiculous. How did he open up to a stranger like that? And how can Phil be so nice and make him feel warm all over. Dan wants to laugh, cry, sigh, run away, do anything that could change the mood but he can’t help the blank expression on his face… As he can’t help the warm smile that his lips form after a pause. And it’s a real smile. It’s more realistic than this moment because no way Phil has said something like that, something that made him feel so good.

It’s weird. How these mysterious eyes can see through him and how this beautiful person can say the truth, a truth that doesn’t hurt Dan. Dan hates the truth. It’s always painful, for him and for others. But this truth “a shitty person wouldn’t admit they’re shitty”… He would make fun of this sentence because it’s so deep without it actually being deep and so true without knowing the truth. He would make fun of this ridiculously sweet and handsome man who saw through him, without him saying a word apart from “I’m a shitty person”. It doesn’t feel fake. Phil doesn’t feel fake. Phil is the realest person he has ever met. And he doesn’t even know him that well.

“We have to close but… I’ll walk you home.” Phil says with bright eyes.

“There’s no need-”

“Dan.” He interrupts him. “You’re not walking in the rain for longer, you’ll catch a cold. Besides, I want to avoid that party my roommates host tonight. Now, wait here and I’ll come back in one minute.”

And he disappears in the staff room before Dan has the time to argue.

“Let’s go.” He motions to the door, Dan following closely behind him. He grabs Dan’s arm saying “What did I say? You’re not going in the rain!” and pulls him under his rainbow-coloured umbrella.

Dan is at a loss for words.

Does Phil care about him?

Surely not, right?

They’re not even friends!

But…

It seems like Phil cares.

***>><<***

Phil

He can feel his heartbeat going crazy. Their shoulders bruise lightly as they try to fit under Phil’s umbrella and for once, he’s kind of glad about its size.

When he first saw Dan in that state, his mind was screaming, his powers were calling him. He just wanted to feel, understand, comfort… Maybe more than that… Maybe he wanted to comfort by touch, to hug Dan tightly and kiss the tears off his pretty face… but no, that’s mental. That’s just mental.

And when Dan smiled at him, he felt so warm, SO warm… Dan’s smile might be the most precious thing on earth and Phil wants to be the cause of it. He wants Dan to smile like that all the time because his smile is brighter than the sun and the world needs it, as they need the sun. But that’s mental, isn’t it?

And he wants Dan’s eyes to never fill with tears, because they are the most beautiful eyes in the world. He also wants Dan to never look at the ground again, like he’s doing now, because it’s a shame to hide those eyes. Those dark brown eyes that make him feel warm…

Dan’s presence makes him feel warm but that’s mental, right?

Phil’s mind keeps overanalyzing how mental the whole situation is, when they enter a building, where Dan’s flat is. They haven’t exchanged a word until they arrive on the top floor.

“Top floor? So you got a nice view!”

“Yes but you know, that’s not that exciting in the city.” Dan searches for his keys in his pockets.

“I should better leave now, right?”

“If you want… I-”

“You better now?” he interrupts him and he really wished he could stay but it would be weird…

“I will be. Thanks.” Dan makes a move to unlock the door. Phil feels like his toes are glued to the ground. He really doesn’t want to leave.

“Alright… I’ll just…leave now.”

Ugh this is so weird! His brain is exploding with all these thoughts.

“Actually.” Dan turns to face him. “I can show you the flat, now that you’re here.”

And Phil might have actually gasped.

“If you want. Just so that you can escape the party.” Dan bites his lip and smiles at the same time and Phil isn’t taking notice of Dan’s lips right now. Surely NOT.

“Yes!” he exclaims quite loudly “Err…sure, that’s a great idea.”

“Come on in!” Dan looks so much better. He’s glad because he hates seeing Dan unhappy.

Now he’s considering the previous occurrence, Dan telling him he’s a shitty person. Who made him feel like that? What happened and Dan felt shitty?

“You still don’t know if I’m a murderer.”

“You don’t know if I am a murderer either!” Dan laughs and motions to the door. “But I don’t think you’ll find any dead bodies in here.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I’m not that stupid, I know how to do away with people without leaving my mark.”

And Phil giggles.

“I’ve killed so many fans, really, their corps will never be found!”

“Fans?” he asks, pretending he doesn’t know.

“Oh yeah… You didn’t know that, right? I’m a youtuber.”

“Oh. Okay!”

“I’m glad you didn’t know. Some people are creepy, they could find out I’m looking for a roommate and pretend they are… YOU... Wait!” he says, eyebrows raised “You’re not one of them, right?”

Ooops. Okay, he’s not a fan but… he is, in a way.

Dan bursts out laughing. Is he talking to the same person he did at the coffee shop? The one who wasn’t in the mood for talking? The one who had been crying?

“Sorry, sorry. I’m not always that weird.”

“I’m weird too, so we’re going to be just fine.”

And then Dan gives him an apartment tour. It’s a nice place. It’s everything he needs now. It’s not really homely or warm, it’s more dark and without character and a bit boring honestly. It does give ‘Dan vibes’. But not completely because Dan is a warm person and he’s certainly not boring.

But now… Dan is escaping, isn’t he? He masks his pain. He doesn’t let it show. Phil realizes, as he firmly notices Dan. He wanted him to stay, just to distract himself and not thinking about… whatever had happened lately. And Phil absolutely hates that. He wants Dan to be happy, but he wants him to feel happy, not just give away a happy image…

“…And that’s it, that’s the flat.”

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m fine. Totally. I’m- I’m okay.”

“Are you?”

“Yes, you don’t have to keep askin-”

“And you don’t have to keep pretending.”

Alright, now it’s definitely weird. Dan’s expression is unreadable.

“What does that suppose to mean?” he asks and there might be venom ready to be spilled out so Phil has to be gentle.

“I’m just saying that there’s no need to pretend you’re fine. An hour ago you looked… Well… Not fine at all.”

Dan sits on the couch. “What does that suppose to mean?” he repeats.

“That you can feel sad, or lonely, or anything, it’s not a crime.”

“Sometimes it is.” He replies coldly and what the fuck is happening? What are they talking about and how did Phil get in this situation and why does he feel the urge to help Dan?

“I’m sorry.” Phil says after a beat or two and he doesn’t know why he is sorry.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I have no right… to tell you anything, I’m basically a stranger… I’m terribly sorry.”

Dan just shakes his head.

“Stop calling yourself a stranger, I literally shared everything with you today.”

Shared everything with him…. WHAT?

What does that mean and why does it sound so important?

That’s how Dan shares stuff?

“But isn’t it a bit weird?”

“Definitely.” Dan shoves his face in his palms. Phil likes Dan’s hands but also hates them for hiding his face.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Phil doesn’t even remember why he’s sorry anymore.

“Do you want me to leave?” He has to leave. He’s caused enough trouble inside Dan’s head…

“No.” Dan mutters. “No. Please, stay. And… I know it’s weird but… what you said, before… it’s really nice.”

“What did I say?” He asks confused.

“A shitty person wouldn’t admit they’re shitty.” Dan finally turns to Phil and then… smiles. And it’s real. “It helped.”

“I’m glad.”

Phil is more than glad. He’s shaking with happiness and yes, this is so weird, and yes, Dan and Phil don’t know each other but knowing that he helped Dan is satisfaction. And not only.

“I didn’t show you the best part of this flat.” He says in a low hum.

“Really?”

“Mmhm”

“Then do it now!”

Dan rises from his seat and gestures to a window. “We’re going up the fire escape stairs?” Phil asks terrified “That’s not your plan to kill me, right?”

“No, you silly! C’mon!”

And oh shit, it’s so high and so scary but he follows Dan.

As they climb up the stairs Phil happened to look down and… his heart might have stopped for a second. Even if he’s not afraid of heights, this is so scary.

And at that moment, he feels a hand gripping his own and it’s so warm and reassuring and then he meets Dan’s gaze, warm and reassuring, so he keeps up and finally steps on the roof. His hand is still united with Dan’s and it feels right. Just right.

“Why were you hiding the best part?” Phil asks in amazement.

“I was keeping this place to myself. I didn’t want anyone to know… I wanted to feel like it’s the only place where I’m completely alone. But I think it’s the right time to share it with someone.”

And all this sounds so honest and Phil can’t decide which view is more worthy to be admired, the city, or Dan. As it seems, Dan is the best view anyone can have and Phil is obviously falling for him…

“But now you won’t have it to yourself.” The cold breeze causes his face to turn slightly pink. He also might be blushing because Dan suddenly glances at their hands.

“It might be better that way.” And he doesn’t let Phil’s hand. He holds it and his face is now flushing as well (from the cold… obviously).

A silence follows but it’s not a silent moment inside Phil’s head. He’s overanalyzing again, everything, Dan’s behavior, Dan’s words, Dan’s looks, Dan’s smiles, Dan’s hand on his own…

Dan’s hand on his own.

He loves this specific hand.

And that’s it.

The hand is gone, after a moment and Phil finds himself wanting its warmth back, wanting this sensation back.

Dan shoves his hands in his pockets and now looks a bit awkward. Did he freak him out? That was a lot for a day, right?

“You found your new flatmate!” Phil says to change the atmosphere.

“I haven’t told you about the rent yet!” Dan exclaims while giggling. Phil loves Dan’s giggle.

“I’m sure it’s better than paying for a flat by yourself, so there’s no need. We’re officially flatmates.” He offers his hand for a handshake and Dan stares at it. For one second he thought Dan would leave or something, only to be proved wrong when Dan’s warm palm was gripping his. And insisted on gripping his. A bit too long.

“I hate handshakes.” Dan says with a giggle but still his grip doesn’t loosen.

“Me too.” Phil replies with a huge grin.

“You’re not allergic to cats, are you?” he adds immediately. Their handshake ends there. It wasn’t even a handshake… It was like holding hands again.

Dan’s eyes go wide open and his jaw drops.

“You don’t have a cat, do you?”

Please say you’re not allergic, please say you’re not allergic… his mind keeps saying.

“Errr… I do…”

“OH MY GOD! You should have started with that!”

“Are you-”

“Phil, welcome to your new home! And bring the cat! Please!”

That’s a relief! At least, Dan likes cats. And is not allergic!

“She would love to meet you.”

“I would love to meet her! What’s her name?” he sounds so interested, or rather ecstatic.

“Starlight.”

“That’s so cute! Oh my god!” And Dan looks incredibly cute with this sheepish smile.

“I’ll bring her. My roommate is allergic and that’s one of the reasons I’m moving out.”

“Well, it’s one of the reasons you’re going to live here, so I’m kinda glad he is.”

And with that Phil is melting. His cheeks are so hot that he is sure they’re flushing red by now.

What Dan just said, is one of the reasons his grin is impossibly huge.

“Do you want me to leave?” his heartbeat quickens, once more.

“No.” Dan answers while looking at the sky. “The party won’t be over yet, I don’t want you to go through that martyre.”

Phil huffs a laugh and sits down. The roof is cold and still wet from the rain and his butt is not going to have a great time, it’s important to sit down though as he feels slightly dizzy looking at Dan.

Dan comes to sit next to him and turns his gaze to the sky.

“So what do you want to do while we’re waiting for a party to end?” Dan asks him.

“You mean aside from staring at the night sky? I dunno… You tell me.”

Dan eyes him and he might or might not send shivers down Phil’s whole body.

“Mario cart?”

“Get ready to get wrecked!” he says and they go down the fire escape.

“Get ready to get wrecked, heh?”

“HOW DO YOU DO THAT?”

Alright, maybe Dan was not going to get wrecked today. This guy is undefeated! They have been playing for hours and Phil would have used magic to force him play badly for one round (if he was allowed to use magic), he was that frustrated.

“Practice.” Dan replies with a smirk.

“PRACTICE? NO WAY YOU’RE THAT GOOD… YOU GOT LUCKY THIS TIME! NEXT TIME I’M GONNA WRECK YOU!”

“That’s what you said a thousands of times today!” Dan giggles “Just admit I’m the ultimate Mario Cart driver on earth.”

Phil just pouts in response.

And then he realizes…

“Oh god, what time is it?”

“Does it matter? The party is going to last, Phil.”

He checks his phone, it’s nearly four. He has 13 missed calls from Tyler.

Oops.

“I have to leave, sorry for keeping you awake all this time.”

“Are you kidding me? There’s nothing I enjoy more than wrecking people in Mario Cart.”

Phil stands up and Dan does the same. “And besides… I needed some company. It’s been a long day.”

“I’m glad I was here then.”

“I’m glad you were here, too.”

They stand in front of the door, staring at each other and Phil feels a weird magnetic pull… It’s probably because Dan is so attractive and probably because of all that have been said this day and probably because… Dan is beautiful.

And Phil is falling for him.

And he now realizes that.

“Alright, I’ll… I’ll call you. And you know, I’ll probably move in!”

“Yes, that would be great.”

“Alright… Goodnight Dan.”

“Goodnight Phil.”

And Dan continues staring at him while he’s approaching the elevator.

“Bye!” he says when Phil turns to eye him and then he closes the door.

And Phil wants him to open that door again. Just so that he can look at him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told u i would make it up to you. i'm quite proud of this chappa! i hope you liked it bc i spent all day writing it, rereading it and stuff and i'm so glad im finally uploading it!!!
> 
> TY FOR READING! You're all so so important to me, every hit of my fic makes me go crazy with happiness and OMG I LOVE U ALLLLLLLLLL
> 
> Don't forget you can find me on twitter (im so sorry idk how to link it!), @PanicInTheBrain.
> 
> Thanks L n C for supporting me, i love u guys!!!<3

**Author's Note:**

> thank you sm bestieeeee for the motivation, i love yaaaa!!!!!!  
> And THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING I APPRECIATE YOU ALL!
> 
> Also, as you may have noticed, im trying to write both dan and phil's perspective. (i hope that it's not going to be a TOTAL DISASTER)
> 
> AND IMPORTANT NOTE LOOOOOL you can find me on twittter: @PanicInTheBrain


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